you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I need to sanitize my soul.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
