i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
