R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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