I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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