toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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