I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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