o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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