I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
