I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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