I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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