2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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