the only muscles i have these days is kegels
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
