So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
