Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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