At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
