he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
