I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
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Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
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I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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