8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
