i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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