Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
