Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
