carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
