this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
