god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
