apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
