I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
