I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
