theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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