I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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