there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
