Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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