Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
