you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
