just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
