It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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