I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
