I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Damn victory sex feels great
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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