Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?