Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
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Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.