Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
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I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
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Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.