shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
