sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
