I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
