I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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