I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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