proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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