I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
