Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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