i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
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Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
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My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Couch. On fire.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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