i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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