im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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