I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
