A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
