Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
