Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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