i will never coherently bang her
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
