Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
