I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
