wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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