if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
