her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
