I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
