The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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