Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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